I busted my ass for a day throwing this lazily together because we were supposed to make a short 'introductory' video for class but NO ONE ELSE MADE ONE!!!!!!!!!! So I didn't even end up showing it. I think it's kinda funny and I don't want it to go to waste so it's here now.

As of the 24th of February 2025, I am one month on testosterone!

The doctors certainly weren't joking when they said this would essentially be a second puberty - I never had all that much acne as a teenager but my skin is noticeably oilier and I'm having some breakouts. I'm doing what I can skincare-wise to mitigate it, but if things get out of hand I'm looking into asking about acne treatments at my next appointment.

These past few weeks have been an odd mix of good, lonely, overwhelming and exciting. I think I just really need classes to start up so that I don't feel quite so aimless. I have my first class of the year tomorrow at 9am, actually.

I'm looking forward to eventual changes like my voice and body fat distribution, but I know that will come quite a bit later. Still though, I'm happy with how things are going. Maybe 2025 will be my year? My mum keeps hoping it will be. All I need now is a decent part-time job (good luck with the state of the economy) and a bit of luck.

Right. Been a while, my bad. I've been putting a lot of time into making the site look better rather than updating the actual content.
So, what have I been up too? Well, a lot but also not much. I was invited onto a Minecraft server by a friend I know irl, a couple new issues for some comic series I like released, and I've been playing more of pokemon black.

Some of the pages on this site feel kind of redundant so I'll probably be adjusting those again over the next few weeks. University classes begin this Monday, so I'll have to see just how much time I actually have to dedicate to html.

The minecraft server is fun but admittedly full of some... issues. My friend who is hosting the server is a very genuine person who I know would never have ill intentions, but the place is full of children. I believe the youngest on the server is 14. I've got nothing against kids, it just makes me feel a bit odd being 21 and playing a game with a bunch of high schoolers. I built my house far away from everyone so I wouldn't run into them all that much and just stuck to playing with the people my age that I know.

I do VERY much enjoy the cobblemon mod. I have an awesome drink-themed party and my beloved boys mojito and crystalvodka.

Onto comics; the main one I want to talk about is New Champions issue #2 because Spider-boy is there briefly! I know he's not a very well liked character, but I really enjoy him and it was fun to see him having a blast fighting zombies and riding on Kid Juggernaut's shoulders. I don't think he'll be making another appearance in the comic, which is fine by me because his story can be explored in his own series. I want to see what Cadet Marvel, Moon Squire and Liberty get up too!

It's a controversial opinion to have in the Marvel Comics fandom, but I really enjoy these new characters and their stories. I hope more people give them a chance, because I really do believe they have potential and tell really fun stories! I think a lot of people forget that these newer comics are for kids, so of course they're going to have younger protagonists. When the next Spider-Boy issue releases I'll 100% be talking about it here!!

I had my first testosterone shot on February 3rd 2025.

I've held off transitioning for a long time now - worried that I would be making a mistake, or that I was confused, or that somehow taking these first steps was going to hurt me in some way. I'm not good at trusting myself or my own feelings. My whole life I've relied on an outside opinion on my own thoughts and whether or not they're real. I still find it difficult to trust the things I think.

But this was a good decision. I know the physical changes will take some time to manifest, but even just knowing that I'm in the process of medically transitioning makes me feel a certain kind of excitement. It's hard to put my feelings into exact words but I'm excited, relieved and nervous all at the same time. This was my choice, and it was a good one. My mum asked that I keep my birth name, and I've experimented with different names for years now, and I think I'm happy remaining as Jesse. Like Jesse from Breaking Bad but without the meth.

Whenever I talk to people my age about our parents, we all end up having the same if not similar stories. So many kiwi dads just behave in this bizzare, almost passive state where shit happens to them and they either explode, just completely ignore it or do both. My dad isn't from New Zealand - hes from Northern Ireland - yet he behaves in the same way most kiwi dads do and it's... a little confusing, but I suppose he has been living here for 21 years now. I haven't lived with him for around 8 years. I fully cut contact with him just before christmas in 2024.

The most difficult part of it all is that nothing he did was intentional, I know that. He has no idea how he's affected me after all this time. How terrified I am that I'm going to become like him one day. I think it was his trip back to Belfast in 2024 that made him realize how little of a connection we share now, because the second he returned he was trying to call me constantly. Asking where I am, what I'm doing, if I plan to visit my hometown anytime soon. I remember sitting in a session with the university counsellor when my phone rang and I saw it was him. I know I didn't have too, but I picked up. I don't remember what we talked about. Once I hung up, the counsellor looked at me and said during that call, with each passing second, he could see me retreating into myself. Going away. This isn't a new revelation. I'm very good at going away.

Sorry, this is a little heavy for a second journal entry, isn't it? But then again, I made this site for me. And I rarely have a place to talk about the things that bother me in such detail. There's only so much content you can squeeze into a twitter post until it becomes annoying to read.

TLDR; my dad sucks but it wasn't entirely his fault. He's an undiagnosed, depressed, probably autistic old man in a foreign country with no friends and no job. Did you know I've been employed for longer than he has?

Every kiwi dad is bizzare, emotionally stunted, a little bit stupid, and a little bit absent. Every dad is made in a factory.

This is the very first journal entry I've made for this site. The whole reason I even made this place was because of how badly social media has gone down the shitter - if a site isn't owned by a scumbag then it's populated with scumbags instead.
I'll be honest; It get's a little upsetting watching people be at eachothers throats all the time. It takes less than a minute for me to run into a tweet from someone shitting on trans people or black people or disabled people and fucking hell it makes me feel like shit!!!!!!!!!

But real life has been good. These past few days have been horrendously hot and humid but still nice. I see friends regularly, I'm outside a lot, for the first time in a while I haven't been as stressed as usual. Just a few hours ago I got perscribed testosterone, and will be starting it next week!

Being honest again, I'm only writing all this so that this page looks less barren. Eventually I'll write something sincere but for now I'm focusing on the html and css behind the site. A big thank you to my high school digitech teacher that taught me all of this. I forgot how much I love web design! I've had to tear myself away from Brackets to go eat or clean because I've been too intensley focused on getting as much done as I can. I like that this is *my* website. I made it from scratch and made it particular to me. I miss the chaos of the old web.